So, I had a meltdown. The ugly, raw, tear filled kind. Maybe it was even a temporary mental break. The kids were sick, which any mother knows means you get absolutely no sleep (on top of the already non-existent sleep I get). My adrenals and immunity have been low, so I of course got the worst of this sickness too, with horrible sinuses and ear pain and fever… the second cold bug in 6 weeks.
After the fifth straight night of barely sleeping, and no ability to recoup my own strength, I was already at my limit. By 5:45am my kids were already up and proving challenging… and I had had less than 3 hrs sleep.
For whatever reason, Sorya was breastfeeding and pinched me so hard near my nipple I bled, to which I screamed and let out profanities. Although I recovered and all seemed well, minutes later I was holding him and he bit me – hard – on my shoulder, again cutting skin with his razor sharp new teeth. It was the straw that broke the camels back. I lost it. I was already exhausted, depleted, barely holding on to my sanity. I was giving everything to my children, having both of them in my arms all night long for the last several nights as I lay awake staring at the ceiling with throbbing head and sinus pain, only to then be inflicted with pain from the ones I was sacrificing everything for. I screamed and burst into tears, thrusting him into John’s arms while I ran out slamming the bedroom door behind me. I left the house – although I took 2 mins to at least grab my running shoes. Thank god I had slept in yoga pants and a warm shirt so had some clothes to keep me warm from the cold outside.
Through my haze of tears I just ran. It was 6:30am. I didn’t know where, I just had to go. I was cycling through thoughts about how unfair life was and how I hated being a mother (even though I love my kids) and how I didn’t want this anymore and I was done. I reflected on who I was in my life pre-kids and how I never realized it was going to be this intense.
I eventually found my way to the hiking trail in the canyon near our home. I cried the whole way up. There was a depth of pain coming to the surface that was hard for me to handle. It wasn’t just this incident, but every emotion I have had as a mother: how hard it is, how much I have sacrified my body and mind and time and emotions and dreams and freedom. How I just wanted to go back to life before this massive responsibility and never ending self sacrifice and feel, even for a second, that sense of freedom and selfishness again.
I found a spot half way up and sat facing the ocean among the lush green hills. I tried to breathe and be calm but the emotions kept flooding. I knew John had no idea where I was, and no doubt the kids were melting down because of my outburst and me being away (they haven’t been doing so well if I’m not holding them or within a foot of them at any given time). But in that moment I didn’t care. I contemplated staying out there all day.
I tried pulling out all of my “tools” – breathwork, meditation, connecting to my guides, whatever. Nothing worked. More emotions, more tears. But there was such stillness in the cold of the morning, I felt a deeper connection to earth. And so I simply asked her, Mother Earth, to help me. I recognized her – or rather saw the energy of her all around me in such a profound way. It was subtle, like one of those popular paintings from the 90’s where if you changed your gaze ever so slightly it would morph into something else. Her energy flickered in and out, but I could see this creational breathing living entity and life force all around me. And so I asked her to help me. Loud and clear, I heard back “I am here for you, put your tears on me so I can feel you”. I so I did – I put my tears and snot and all else coming out of me to flow into the dirt and leaves and twigs. A minute later I heard from her “I know what you need to heal now and I will bring it to you”.
I felt a deep sense of calm wash over me. I asked for balance, and to understand how to regain my passion and energy and love for life while caring for my beautiful children and husband. I still had tears to shed, but She was there so present, so fully, it was as if my own mother had embraced me while I processed whatever emotions needing purging from my body.
Eventually the guilt crept in and I felt I needed to go back. I had been gone an hour or more already. I was still teary, but I picked myself up from the dirt and made my way back.
I walked into my home to the cautious stares of my husband and kids, who kept their distance as they wondered if I was ok. My daughter of course, in her 2 yr old beauty and innocence, walked up to me and said “mama, I cried for you because I didn’t know where you went. But its ok, you’ll get better now”. My infant son as usual just reached out to me from John and threw his arms around my neck, burying his head in my shoulder. As best I could I opened my heart wide and surrounded them with my love, while John and I just exchanged that knowing “I love you, I’m sorry” look deep within each others eyes.
Whatever energies are being stirred up on our planet right now are intense. There is so much rawness for us all to feel and witness. No hiding, no pretending, no being “spiritual” about it all or trying to move through it with grace. Its just feeling what is there, not trying to fix or change it but just being with wherever we’re each at in its glory and fullness and ugliness and rawness and depth.
In the days that followed I cocooned as best I could, but I’m sending you all much love for wherever you may be at in your journey.
Life is a crazy ride with so many layers to who we are. Never stop allowing yourself to feel or be or experience or open to whatever is there to be purged so the Truth of who you are can be freed.
(See original Facebook post and all comments: https://www.facebook.com/edenj/posts/10153775446542254)